Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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