My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We need a shit load of segways right now
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
