I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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