I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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