If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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