MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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