my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
only if we run a train.
done.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
