He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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