The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
