when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
