Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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