his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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