Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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