You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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