I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Randomize
