please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize