Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
