My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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