Your face is a jimmy john
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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