Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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