As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
