omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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