So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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