But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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