I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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