Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
