my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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