the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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