just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
