the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
