If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
