I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
