Pants 0. Shit 1.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
