it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
