3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
