at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
