i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
