my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
