I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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