I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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