the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we're so committed to being not committed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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