I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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