i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
