for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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