I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
