somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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