I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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