i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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