You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
