Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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