God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
