Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
