i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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