just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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