She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
