when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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