I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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