Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
