Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
