I wish I could punch you in the face.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
